There is an image inside my head that I want to be. There are so many pressures from out culture, our world, and even the small communities in which we live in to be a certain person or to only act a certain way. It’s stressful trying to keep up with it all. You have to guard your heart against the people around you and you can’t wear your heart on your sleeve, which is what I want to do. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and just be who I am and not what society has declared appropriate or what kind of a mold we should all fit into.
I would like to think that I could just let all of it go. To forget what everyone else is thinking, doing, or saying and to just be me, but let’s be real honest: how many people actually do such a thing? How many times do I cave to peer pressure just to keep the image up of who everyone else wants me to be? Don’t get me wrong I want some of the same things too, but at times I feel like it is for such different reasons.
I’m still trying to figure out what I’m good at; what I’m useful for. But I ultimately don’t decide that. He does. By living in this society, I have the tendency of having to control everything. I tend to get in the way and make a mess of things. Thankfully in my weakness, he is made strong. In my brokenness, my Savior makes me complete in Him.
At twenty years old, I feel like I should know what I want and what I want to do. But at twenty years old are you supposed to have it all figured out? At thirty-five are you supposed to have it all figured out? What’s the magical age or magical concoction? I don’t think that there is an answer to that. I think that’s the beauty of life: not knowing. Being able to be completely vulnerable and letting the Lord take over. To say, “Lord, I surrender. Here I am, your servant, use me.” And the journey of life = figuring out the answers to those questions and trusting that the Lord’s timing is perfect. Society has just pressured us into having all the right answers when that’s impossible. For who really knows what’s going to happen tomorrow?
So many times I feel like a drop in the ocean, but the Lord is there to pick me out in the midst of this crazy world and make me His own.